11.05.11-Broken Friendship

Sitting there, dripped from the rain drops falling; I began to think. It reminded me so much of those days. The laughter and the smiles, I could see the image vividly in my head, but as time went by I began to wonder if we'll ever return to those glory days. Those days were genuine; we felt the love. It wasn’t anything we had to pretend; it naturally flowed and we could totally be ourselves. It somehow changed, and broke our hearts. We got distant one day and never really tried to recover the friendship we had. We moved on with our lives because we both felt helpless in this situation. What could we do? This was certainly out of our control and we had no choice. We began growing up; getting lost in our own hurt, and got influenced. We were our biggest critics and we had made plenty of mistakes but never did we ever judge each other based on that. I remember those prayer nights, the team we had. He used us like never before; I use to love the feeling of having a partner. The feeling of feeling accomplished and the way we could talk for hours about the future with our ministries. You were the only person I could talk to about anything, I felt so confident enough to admit my fears to you and I felt so comfortable enough to trust you with my mistakes. I never kept anything from you and I expected nothing from you. You were the sister I always wanted, the bond was something I had never experienced. I remember one night, things got really tough for me and I called and cried on the phone for hours and your motivating words and prayer finally got me to relax. Through thick and thin, you were there for me; my sister. I remember the day you walked away, when you left me for your worldly friends. I remember I called you asking for your advice and I remember you wouldn't answer, you told me one day that it just wasn't the same. One day, I stopped trying. I gave up the friendship and moved on because I realized that God puts people in your life to build and make your character just the way He wants it to be. I let go of the past because in order to move on I have to learn how to get back up when I’m thrown down. Now, as I walk away from you I look back and say one last thing to you, "When you decide to come back, I’ll be waiting here for you". I promise that through no matter what, I will be here for you just like you were there for me. My dear sister, I would never judge you on your mistakes just like you never did to me. I love you my sister. I forgive you and smile when I think of our friendship we had because the good out weighs the bad. 

11.02.11 This Fear

I think I’ve been consumed by this fear. I’ve been hurt walking down this road before. It’s a clear vivid image in my head, the stumbling upon these rocks in the path. I remember how it all went down. There’s so much hurt deep within me and I remember that I was afraid to keep going once I had been healed. He told me that I was ready to go and start my journey and looking down this narrow road, I remember thinking in my head that this was something that I was afraid of doing again. So slowly I began, walking at a pace where I would be sure to see every bump and crack. There were many days of darkness and rain, where I would shiver from the fear of falling once more. The fear of losing my heart and breaking it once more, the tears and helplessness I felt was something I don’t want to relive. I remember listening to a song called, “I believe in love” and thinking to myself that I definitely did believe in love but I knew within myself that I just didn’t believe in that kind of love anymore. To put myself out there was just something I didn’t want to do anymore. It was nothing like I had experienced before, so going through that experience definitely brought many tears to my eyes, but it also brought a lot of strength with it too. I grew so much, yet after everything was set and done, I was not willing to put myself in that situation anymore. Did I believe that one day I would? Of course, I just wasn’t ready. It’s especially clear to me that no matter how ready I say I am, I’m not prepared yet and that’s something I will not try and rush.

10.31.11- to my dear friend

It’s finally over. It began to fade a while ago and it hurt me for the most part but I had been through this years ago. I remember it exactly as it happened. It was never my choice but then again who would choose to be hurt. I didn't realize it then but it was something that needed to be done. Our friendship was just a passing phase; a rope that needed to be cut. We became two very different people and it was as if I didn't know who you were anymore. Were you still that friend I knew? In the eyes of everyone else we were still close but walking next to you there was this void that could not be filled anymore. It was then that I realized that this was over. There was no more friendship. Walking away from you wasn't the difficult part; it was seeing that you didn't care enough to hurt back. You moved on with your selfish ways and kept living this live of yours not acknowledging that I had been there through everything, even when you were too selfish to realize that our topics were only about you, but I didn't care because you were my best friend. Well life goes on as it always will, it waits for no one. Now I look up, dry my eyes and pray that everything goes well for you, my dear best friend. Because one thing is certain, I continued to be faithful even when you weren't. Love always!