11.05.11-Broken Friendship

Sitting there, dripped from the rain drops falling; I began to think. It reminded me so much of those days. The laughter and the smiles, I could see the image vividly in my head, but as time went by I began to wonder if we'll ever return to those glory days. Those days were genuine; we felt the love. It wasn’t anything we had to pretend; it naturally flowed and we could totally be ourselves. It somehow changed, and broke our hearts. We got distant one day and never really tried to recover the friendship we had. We moved on with our lives because we both felt helpless in this situation. What could we do? This was certainly out of our control and we had no choice. We began growing up; getting lost in our own hurt, and got influenced. We were our biggest critics and we had made plenty of mistakes but never did we ever judge each other based on that. I remember those prayer nights, the team we had. He used us like never before; I use to love the feeling of having a partner. The feeling of feeling accomplished and the way we could talk for hours about the future with our ministries. You were the only person I could talk to about anything, I felt so confident enough to admit my fears to you and I felt so comfortable enough to trust you with my mistakes. I never kept anything from you and I expected nothing from you. You were the sister I always wanted, the bond was something I had never experienced. I remember one night, things got really tough for me and I called and cried on the phone for hours and your motivating words and prayer finally got me to relax. Through thick and thin, you were there for me; my sister. I remember the day you walked away, when you left me for your worldly friends. I remember I called you asking for your advice and I remember you wouldn't answer, you told me one day that it just wasn't the same. One day, I stopped trying. I gave up the friendship and moved on because I realized that God puts people in your life to build and make your character just the way He wants it to be. I let go of the past because in order to move on I have to learn how to get back up when I’m thrown down. Now, as I walk away from you I look back and say one last thing to you, "When you decide to come back, I’ll be waiting here for you". I promise that through no matter what, I will be here for you just like you were there for me. My dear sister, I would never judge you on your mistakes just like you never did to me. I love you my sister. I forgive you and smile when I think of our friendship we had because the good out weighs the bad. 

11.02.11 This Fear

I think I’ve been consumed by this fear. I’ve been hurt walking down this road before. It’s a clear vivid image in my head, the stumbling upon these rocks in the path. I remember how it all went down. There’s so much hurt deep within me and I remember that I was afraid to keep going once I had been healed. He told me that I was ready to go and start my journey and looking down this narrow road, I remember thinking in my head that this was something that I was afraid of doing again. So slowly I began, walking at a pace where I would be sure to see every bump and crack. There were many days of darkness and rain, where I would shiver from the fear of falling once more. The fear of losing my heart and breaking it once more, the tears and helplessness I felt was something I don’t want to relive. I remember listening to a song called, “I believe in love” and thinking to myself that I definitely did believe in love but I knew within myself that I just didn’t believe in that kind of love anymore. To put myself out there was just something I didn’t want to do anymore. It was nothing like I had experienced before, so going through that experience definitely brought many tears to my eyes, but it also brought a lot of strength with it too. I grew so much, yet after everything was set and done, I was not willing to put myself in that situation anymore. Did I believe that one day I would? Of course, I just wasn’t ready. It’s especially clear to me that no matter how ready I say I am, I’m not prepared yet and that’s something I will not try and rush.

10.31.11- to my dear friend

It’s finally over. It began to fade a while ago and it hurt me for the most part but I had been through this years ago. I remember it exactly as it happened. It was never my choice but then again who would choose to be hurt. I didn't realize it then but it was something that needed to be done. Our friendship was just a passing phase; a rope that needed to be cut. We became two very different people and it was as if I didn't know who you were anymore. Were you still that friend I knew? In the eyes of everyone else we were still close but walking next to you there was this void that could not be filled anymore. It was then that I realized that this was over. There was no more friendship. Walking away from you wasn't the difficult part; it was seeing that you didn't care enough to hurt back. You moved on with your selfish ways and kept living this live of yours not acknowledging that I had been there through everything, even when you were too selfish to realize that our topics were only about you, but I didn't care because you were my best friend. Well life goes on as it always will, it waits for no one. Now I look up, dry my eyes and pray that everything goes well for you, my dear best friend. Because one thing is certain, I continued to be faithful even when you weren't. Love always!

10.26.11 -Being Thankful

After a long stress filled day. I end my day with a prayer. I thank God for all that He has done and what he’s going to do in my life. I may not have had the most perfect day or it may not have turned out the way I wanted it to but it surely did end with a positive note. I’ve learned from many of my past experiences to Thank God through everything because every problem is building my character. I’ve expressed my feelings to my Lord and I know that He’s taking care of my problems for me. I look up and sigh of relief because I know that I shouldn’t worry over something that will pass. I let my tears flow and begin to let God heal my brokenness. The feeling of the overbearing, my limit point, something I can’t explain. I feel so stuck from all this crazy madness that I’m feeling and feel as though it’s not worth it anymore. Sometimes, it just doesn’t seem worth it. I’m in desperate need of this connection. I can’t take much more. But even if I feel the way I feel, I know for sure that He will rescue me at the end of the day so I look up and thank him for the great things He’s done because His good outweighs the bad.

10.24.11- Natural Beauty

Girls, we sure do love our make-up. I use to wear it a few years ago but i never really understood why. I just knew my friends wore it so i did too, kind of silly if you think about it. I started very young actually, 12 years old. I remember adults would tell me not wear it because it made me look ugly and older than i was but i thought it made me look pretty. I do have to say, to some extent it makes you look more "attractive" but nothing compares to your natural beauty. When I first gave my life to Jesus, one of the biggest challenges i had was giving up my make-up. It was a mess, i didn't know how beautiful i was without it. i felt like i wasn't me. I had to learn that i was way more beautiful without make up, he showed me that i didn't need all the make-up to feel beautiful. Lesson Learned, Never again.

10.13.11- Positive Outlook

It's been a while since I've gotten the chance to sit down and write. I've been feeling stressed out and confused as to what to do with my post high school life. So many hard decisions are being made and I find myself stuck. I pray that God helps me through with these decisions and there is so many other situations going on. I'm being thrown every where by these waves of life, being broken but being made. School has been pretty tough these past weeks and i've been struggling to keep myself up but in the middle of all of this i find peace in this verse, "Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." He truly is amazing, I can't complain. Everything that happens to me in my life is for a REASON and I've learned to see life in a more positive way when it comes to difficulties because i know that He will NOT let me down. <3

10.03.11- No More Tears

I’ve been down this road before, I remember being very hurt. I gave it my all, my soul poured out too. I was blinded by the lies and I was deceived by its satisfaction. I tried to cover up the bad with how much I loved him. I remember I gave it my best, every ounce of strength was put into that. I loved him so much and at times he was everything I ever wanted. It wasn’t always perfect, there were tough times. Some times I would cry, but I never gave up on him. I struggled and was dedicated to the fact that I considered him mine. I loved him so much that somehow in the middle of all this I lost myself. I got blinded and at some point when everything was bad, I just wouldn’t give up on him. When he started getting ripped away from me I didn’t want to let him go, he was everything to me. I didn’t realize it then but this was definitely necessary. He was no good for me. I wept, because it hurt to see him fade away without a hesitation. I waited for a long time, day and night hoping that he would return. I would pray everyday that he would return. He never treated me the way that I was suppose to be treated but I loved him so much that I was blinded. Just like many other genuine girls, I was cheated; cheated by the lies of false promises. I didn’t know what to do or who I was anymore. I didn’t know who Jodie was anymore, but one day this all changed. Once all the tears were dried up and I was awakened I realized that this wasn’t a place I wanted to be for the rest of my life. So getting up, dusting myself off trying to get myself together again. I started to realize that this was a major stepping stone. I had to grow up, change my mentality. I began this long journey and I didn’t know where I was heading but I knew that it was somewhere positive. I struggled, cried, got frustrated and almost gave up plenty of times but kept moving. I recollected my thoughts, dreamed new dreams, and began to be okay with not having him in my life anymore. As this healing began to advance I began to write more, I poured myself on this paper and I realized that through this, I had left my passion for him because he didn’t like it. I realized that someone who tries to stop you from your dreams isn’t worth trying for. I lost myself for someone that didn’t care an ounce about me, I know this because if he did we would still keep in contact but I don’t hurt anymore over this situation because I know that someday someone will appreciate me.

09.29.11 - True Friendships

Tonight has been extremely tough, I've been extremely moody. I don't know if i had a good day or not, that has never happened to me. Anyways, I still can't believe the way some of my so-called friends treated me today. I started to miss some of the closest guy friends I've had that have moved away. I felt so alone today and unexpectedly all of those guy friends either texted me or called me. I miss them so much. I started to reminisce on all the things that I had done with them. They were truly so great to me and I don't think I would ever be able to replace them. They are one of the biggest support system I have. I don't know what I would do without them. Truly irreplaceable<3.

09.28.11 - Social Networks

This is all new to me. I joined twitter and blogger, all in a matter of hours. Why? You may ask. My honest reply, I have no clue but this looks like it'll be a lot of fun for me. Twitter is sort of complicated for me and so far Blogger is pretty simple. With all that being said, I still prefer Facebook any day. Even though I must say that I am very bothered by the new changes that are being made, one of the main reasons that Facebook caught my attention was because of its simpleness unlike MySpace but now its starting to disappoint me. The world is changing fast with all of these Social Networks, its kind of overwhelming. It's really difficult to keep up.