11.02.11 This Fear

I think I’ve been consumed by this fear. I’ve been hurt walking down this road before. It’s a clear vivid image in my head, the stumbling upon these rocks in the path. I remember how it all went down. There’s so much hurt deep within me and I remember that I was afraid to keep going once I had been healed. He told me that I was ready to go and start my journey and looking down this narrow road, I remember thinking in my head that this was something that I was afraid of doing again. So slowly I began, walking at a pace where I would be sure to see every bump and crack. There were many days of darkness and rain, where I would shiver from the fear of falling once more. The fear of losing my heart and breaking it once more, the tears and helplessness I felt was something I don’t want to relive. I remember listening to a song called, “I believe in love” and thinking to myself that I definitely did believe in love but I knew within myself that I just didn’t believe in that kind of love anymore. To put myself out there was just something I didn’t want to do anymore. It was nothing like I had experienced before, so going through that experience definitely brought many tears to my eyes, but it also brought a lot of strength with it too. I grew so much, yet after everything was set and done, I was not willing to put myself in that situation anymore. Did I believe that one day I would? Of course, I just wasn’t ready. It’s especially clear to me that no matter how ready I say I am, I’m not prepared yet and that’s something I will not try and rush.